Favour & Suffering

A great sorrow descended upon me,

As a dark cloud on a tall hill.

It engulfed me in its intensity,

Therefore becoming my identity.

Sorrow was upon me,

As I recalled my sufferings.

As I recalled the sound of my silent cries

And rivers of tears through my bloodshot eyes.

At that moment, hurtful questions began to arise.

I looked up to heaven and wondered where my Maker was.

I recalled my past and admitted that it felt as though I could find help in no other, therefore having to save myself.

Save me from the pangs of death,

From its darkness strangling my neck,

From the pool of crimson, I was drowning in and its metallic taste.

“As great as my suffering has been, is it still less than?

What else shall I endure for the Lord to incline His ear to my heart’s cry?”

I perceived that other people, at least, had obtained rewards from their suffering.

Had my God forgotten me?

In His constant overseeing, has He overlooked me?

Those baseless questions were subsequently locked away in the deep confines of my heart.

Then, I recalled the certainty of suffering in this lifetime.

Although some are to suffer more than others.

I have concluded that suffering is not a business transaction for favour.

I have observed that amidst brokenness, wealth and despair, I remain an unprofitable servant.

If in the midst of the most painful of my sufferings, I have not acquired favour, I rejoice because I have acquired God.

I yet have breath in my lungs,

And no matter in all the earth,

He is closer than my next breath.

He is the shadow at my right hand,

The very image I see when I close my eyes,

My God and my Father, indeed, my One desire.

In His suffering, He gained nothing.

Yet, through Him, I gained all.

Even in my suffering, if I gain nothing at all,

In Him I have found rest and an eternal home.